It can be devastating to have to support a child or young person through a bereavement. Whether they are your own child or a young person in your personal or professional circle. Many adults report feeling uncomfortable and lacking confidence in what they should and shouldn’t say, or how best to provide support and care.
Child Bereavement UK is the UK’s largest provider of grief support for grieving children and young people, as well as parents bereaved of a baby or child. The charity has been established for more than 30 years and offers clinically rooted support for young people and the adults around them, including education professionals.
One of the first questions a parent or carer can face is how to tell a child somebody important to them has died or is going to die. As adults, it’s natural to want to shield and protect children, leading some parents to be fearful of speaking about what has happened or to use language which is considered ‘softer’.
Child Bereavement UK recommends that adults use age-appropriate but open and direct language, instead of using phrases like ‘lost’ or ‘passed away’ which can cause confusion; it is important for children to understand that somebody has died. For instance, a child may understand that a toy can be ‘lost’ and conclude that just as a toy can be found again, their loved one will be coming back soon.
Children are also incredibly sensitive and can pick up the feelings of the adults around them. Without a clear understanding of why a parent or sibling or another family member is sad, they may even begin to wonder if they have done something wrong or think that they have caused the problem.
Parents of bereaved children have often remarked that while they feel like their grief is constant, children can be surprising, one minute asking questions or feeling sad and the next asking what’s for tea. This is a very normal response, known clinically as ‘Puddle jumping’, in which a younger child copes with grief by ‘jumping’ in and out of their feelings.
Photo by Phil Hearing on Unsplash
Including children in decision-making where possible is also very important – whether they are young or as they grow older. When somebody dies, there are lots of decisions to be made – should a child go back to school soon? Should a child attend a funeral? How to cope with anniversaries or special days around festivities.
Another aspect which is important in supporting your bereaved child is to keep the memory of the person who has died alive. That could be by taking time to regularly look at photos or to create a special memory box, especially if the person died when the child was very young.
Main – Photo by Loume Visser on Unsplash
About the Author: Mica Bale
