We have a saying in my household that goes “don’t assume, check” or “don’t assume, ask”. To be more precise, these are my sayings and on the receiving end is usually a pair of grumpy rolling eyes. When I mentioned that I was going to write something about assumption, those very eyes blurted out: “assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups”. It was experience talking. I cracked up and wrote it down. The phrase wasn’t elegant, I’ll give you that, but it’s certainly true. If I had been the first one to chip in, I’d have probably said something like: “assumption is the fastest route to disappointment”.
The point is, the moment we assume, we roll the dice. On a small matter, that’s fine, to an extent. On anything that actually matters, much less so. As I sat with the idea, two things came up. Firstly, assumption is a form of projection. We assume what we want or hope to see or find. For example, I assumed the shop was open until 8 pm. Secondly, assumption is lazy because every time we assume, it signifies that we choose to do so instead of taking some kind of action: checking, calling, researching, etc.
Assuming is the opposite of acting responsibly. The latter isn’t an insurance policy against anything you’d like to avoid. But if something goes south and you’ve done all you could on your end, then it’s easier to come to terms with what is and accept things as they are. Think: “omg, so glad I checked” or “jeez, lucky I asked“. It could be that you’ve just saved yourself some time, some money. It could also be that you just avoided an enormous shitshow.
This might sound a little bit pessimistic, and maybe it is, a touch. But as a therapist, let me share with you some things I’ve learned not to assume:
- I do not assume that clients will tell me the full truth. In fact, many lie. Some are little white lies, small omissions, but they are still lies. Sad to say, they’re probably more truthful when they speak to their AI than when they speak with me. Regardless, it’s important that I remain aware of that fact.
- I do not assume people will pay me on time unless I require payment before the session or upon booking the session. You have no idea how many people have to be chased for payments (irrespective of their financial situation).
- I do not assume people want to get better or will do what it takes to get better. There will always be some people who believe that showing up for a session is the work. The end. Consequently, I can offer all the recommendations in the world that I know would help them if they took action outside the therapy room, but they won’t. And it’s not because they want to annoy me.
- You get the picture.
When I initially started to jot some notes down for this article, I wrote common sense and safety. Because to me, in my own worldview, this is also what not assuming comes down to. But I realised that I was back to my previous point; this is a projection of mine. When we assume, we somehow expect that people are, or think, like us. That’s a mistake — they don’t. We’re all unique. What’s common sense to me isn’t common sense to someone else. You can see how this can lead to some major frustration.
Now here is a funny one. Do you know who I ask not to assume anything, aside from my better half? AI. Whenever I interact with AI, this is always a consideration. Whether it’s in the prompt or in the settings, it’s there. Why? Because I assume (ironically) that you all know by now that AI lies and makes shit up all the time, a phenomenon we politely call hallucination. So unless we instruct it to stick to verifiable and provable sources, AI can hallucinate and tell us a lot of things that are wrong or simply don’t exist, but that look incredibly true, in a tone that sounds knowledgeable and full of conviction.
That’s why, whatever content I come across online these days, I ask myself: is it true? Is it real? Is this a real artist? Is this a real journalist, a real human being who has studied and who is practising? Is this study real? Has this study been done by vetted researchers, or is it an AI-generated compilation falsely attributed to researchers? You see, if not assuming was already a habit we should all have cultivated pre-AI takeover, it’s now mandatory for anyone remotely interested in truth, facts and reality.
And this brings us back to some very simple, basic principles such as: ask questions. Plenty. Think about it for a minute. Are we living in a world that values people asking questions? Nope. Plus, who wants to be that annoying person who makes everyone feel a bit tense or uncomfortable (even if it’s for the right reasons)? Any volunteers to point out the holes in the Swiss cheese?
There is a real danger in no longer asking questions — or asking fewer of them — and assuming instead. It is bigger than the trouble we may find ourselves in for asking them in the first place. That is the core consideration I wanted to leave you with.
Main – Photo by Michael Cheval
About the Author: Mahé Léa
