Beyond the Myths

The True Purpose of Restorative Tantric Massage

What do we mean by the term ‘Restorative Tantric massage’? The word ‘Tantra’ refers to a philosophy that emerged from Hinduism and Buddhism practices – more of a way of being than a religion. It is a Sanskrit word that is often translated as ‘weaving together’. The root word ‘tan’ can be taken to mean expansion, so that ‘Tantra’ can also be understood as expanding awareness.

There doesn’t appear to be any evidence that massage was a traditional tantric practice. Instead the association of tantra with bodywork seems to have emerged in the 1960s, with Westerners returning from India having received tantra teachings. Unsurprisingly, tantra’s embrace of sensuality and sexuality as part of spirituality seems to have particularly appealed to these spiritual seekers, and bodywork was seen as a way of sharing these tantric teachings.

A search of the internet for ‘tantric massage’ may well give the impression that the term implies a sexual service. Some sites will explicitly promise a ‘happy ending’. For my partner and I Tantric massage is not a sexual offering, and is not meant to lead to orgasm.

For us, what makes a massage ‘tantric’ is the principle that the divine is in everything, therefore everything is included – celebrated, even. As a gift of unconditional love Tantric massage offers a space for you to feel safe, free from judgement and fully accepted. The environment, our touch, presence and care  all invite you to de-armour – to shake off the protective shell you may have developed, to drop the masks that cover your true feelings, and to be your authentic self. Not just to be your authentic self but also to recognise that the ‘real’ you is divine and beautiful. This is why we use the term ‘restorative’ – the aim is to restore you to your pure and original state, before conditioning and life experiences might have conspired to tell you a different story.

We always begin with a consultation – time to settle, connect and share intentions.

Betty Martin’s ‘Wheel of Consent’ provides a very valuable framework for this work – clarifying desires and boundaries. Your consent in the moment is what guides the session and, while boundaries cannot be expanded during the session, you may withdraw consent for any part of the massage, at any point, and without explanation.

Another tantric element of a session will usually be the inclusion of rituals for grounding and connection, prior to the massage, between server and receiver – guided breathing and meditation to solidify intentions and create a sense both of safety and the sacred.

It is common (though not essential) to be naked when receiving tantric massage (we keep the space very warm and cosy), which I see as a reflection of ‘everything is divine’. My non-tantra massage training was very focused on appropriate draping – maintaining the ‘modesty of the client’ and not being ‘creepy’. It seemed to me that we were verging on body-shaming and I believe that being witnessed in our natural state with love and without judgement can be tremendously liberating and healing.

The massage itself proceeds slowly – it’s common that time seems to stop for the receiver. We will have established what kind of touch you enjoy during the consultation and typically we oscillate between deeper and lighter pressure, as well as between slower and faster strokes. We will aim to release physical tension to help your deep relaxation, as well increasing the feeling of connection to your body.

Depending on your intentions it’s possible that all kinds of emotions could arise, and our role is to hold space for you to experience whatever may come up. Again, there’s nothing that is unwelcome, or to feel ashamed of. As part of the process of returning to your true self there may be tears, even screaming, as well as joy and laughter.

Restorative Tantric massage may also include genital touch – with the same intention of raising your awareness – your feeling of connection to your deepest, most intimate self. If you have chosen to include this in your session it will be offered after two to three hours of bodywork – it is never rushed and you must be feeling ready for this level of intimacy without doubts.

Specifically for women, it may well be that your yoni (Sanskrit for vulva and vagina) has only been touched either by a doctor, in a very clinical setting, or by someone who is touching for their own pleasure. This can lead to hardening and desensitising of your most delicate tissues. When I give yoni massage it is with the intention of restoring your yoni to her natural state of softness and sensitivity, and as a source of your pleasure, rather than someone else’s.

While it can be the most challenging aspect of Restorative Tantric massage, genital touch is by no means the most important.

Many clients have profound and transformational sessions without it, because what matters most is the self-acceptance, the affirmation of self-worth and the self-love that can bring. For me personally this kind of massage was the biggest help in moving through grief. I have seen it give people back their sense of self; discover that their pleasure is for them (not another); and repair relationships that were stagnating

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