May

Exercise: Smiling, safety, find something you enjoy doing. Could be watching a movie once a week.

By Month 5, I was still counting the time since Chai passed in weeks, not months. My brain could not comprehend distance from her.

This period focused on the feelings we hide. The world wants short answers. “I am fine,” “hanging in,” “doing okay.” But what I really felt was enormous guilt, heartbreak, confusion, loneliness. I felt like part of me died with her.

I also recognised that vulnerability changes how people perceive you. Some are drawn to it.

Others withdraw. I could not control that. I learned to simply honour how I felt on any given day.

Light came in small, unexpected ways. Watching videos of Chai. Looking at photos. Remembering glimmers, tiny sparks that momentarily lifted the heaviness.

I created a list of 88 glimmers of light, writing with a pen, sitting in sunshine, watching an old movie, hugging an animal, visiting a bookstore. Small things that reminded my body what comfort felt like.

Exercise for May:

Find one small thing you used to enjoy, a movie, a show, a simple ritual, and let yourself experience it once a week. No expectations. No pressure to focus. 

Just a moment of familiarity to soothe your nervous system.