October has a way of making us pause.
The year is moving on, Christmas is coming into view, and for some women, this time of year can bring up a lot of different emotions around their fertility journey.
Maybe you thought this would be the year.
And although it still can be, I remember that feeling of wondering, what if it isn’t?
Looking back at my own journey, there are some things I wish I’d done sooner.
For 4 years, I navigated the complex world of “unexplained infertility” and, if I’m honest, 3 of those years were lived in a constant cycle of loss, stress, fear, grief and self-doubt.
Photo by Leonardo Pavão
I wish I had paid more attention to what I was carrying.
I spent so much time thinking about what my body needed to get pregnant, but not enough time asking what I needed to let go of.
Because you don’t just go through a fertility journey. You start carrying it with you. The disappointment, the fear, the grief, the pressure, the uncertainty and so much more.
I wish I had given myself more space to process what I had been through.
I had four losses over three years. I gave my body time to heal, but emotionally, I often just kept going. Time was passing and I wanted to try again.
Looking back, I wish I had given my emotional health the same attention.
I see this so often in my practice now. Women come to me already feeling overwhelmed, dysregulated, lost and carrying so much of what they’ve been through.
And it makes me wonder: what if we gave our emotional and mental health the same attention we give everything else, rather than waiting until we finally have our baby to realise just how much we’ve been carrying?
Looking after yourself along the way matters too.
I wish I had stopped looking for the next thing to fix.
I’m a self-confessed control freak, and very much a Virgo. I like plans. I like fixing things. But fertility taught me that I couldn’t control everything.
My search for answers did eventually lead me to a much more holistic approach, which I’m grateful for. But I wish I’d learned sooner that sometimes you don’t need to do more. Sometimes you need to pause.
Photo by Masood Aslami
And I wish I had kept living.
This one is hard, because when becoming a mum is something you want so deeply, it can be really difficult to think about anything else.
Over time, my world became smaller. I stopped doing some of the things I loved, withdrew socially and became so focused on becoming a mum that I lost touch with parts of myself.
There were still ways to experience little moments of joy, even in the middle of all the uncertainty. Remembering the things I used to enjoy, making dates with my partner, seeing friends, going out, doing things that had nothing to do with fertility.
Taking time to remember who I was outside of trying to become a mum. To notice the small things that were still good and find moments of gratitude, even when so much felt difficult.
A little something to think about
Perhaps part of looking after ourselves through this journey is remembering that we matter too.
Because the woman going through all of this is the woman who will one day be a mother. And she needs nurturing too.
If you’re on a fertility journey, maybe take a moment to think about what you’re carrying and what you need right now.
What has this journey asked of you? When was the last time you did something just for you, with nothing to do with fertility?
It may not change the outcome, but it can change how you experience the journey along the way.
Photo by Nur Demirbaş
Main – Photo by Gavin Young
About the Author: Laetitia Felix
