The Invisible Boundary

You have had a long day; you are tired and all you want to do is snuggle in a duvet on a sofa with your feet up and watch some meaningless telly once you get home. Work has been so busy and its only midweek.

Photo by cottonbro studio

Your phone rings, your friend wants you to come over. She is bored and blames you for never making time for her. You really want to say no but you don't want to upset her. So, you say you will catch up for an hour on your way back home. That sofa that you were picturing a few minutes back, looks a bit far away now!

You finish work, drive to your friends place to catch up. The hour stretches longer as she wants you to stay for a bit more. You finally drive home, and the family is waiting for dinner. You really want to order in, but everyone is craving your delicious pasta. So, you roll up your sleeves, tie on the apron and head into the kitchen. The sofa seems miles away now.

By the time dinner is done, kitchen is cleaned, the sofa doesn't even appeal anymore and the telly feels like another chore. You drag yourself to bed exhausted but lie awake wondering why no one cares about what you need.

Is the problem the work, the friend, the family?

Or it is your inability to communicate your needs, your wants – and prioritise yourself?

Let's Test This

Do you…

• Often feel overwhelmed or burnt-out
• Say yes when you want to say no
• Take on more than you can handle
• Feel unappreciated/taken for granted
• Feel guilty for prioritising yourself
• Struggle to have time for yourself
• Overexplain your decisions
• Let people interrupt your plans
• Feel resentful but don't express it
• Sometimes wish you could just vanish

If you answered yes to any of the above, then my friend, what you truly need are some healthy boundaries.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

What are Boundaries

Boundaries are invisible lines that give a blueprint of how you want to be treated. They help you identify and keep your space by communicating to others clearly what your needs are. It is looking after yourself and guarding against emotional and physical fatigue.

You Could Have Boundaries, but are they Healthy?

If you are someone who keeps everyone at a distance, prefer to be detached and not have any flexibility – you have created a space with rigid boundaries. Your need to control or fear of vulnerability keeps you there.

On the other hand, if you are someone who gets too involved in things that don't concern you, overshare personal information and seek to always please others – you have created a space with loose boundaries. Your need for others approval or fear of rejection keeps you there.

What we need to aim for is a state of healthy boundaries – a space that comes from honouring what you need while respecting others, valuing your own voice, communicating appropriately and being able to say no if you need to.

Healthy boundaries help avoid feelings of resentment, disappointment and overwhelm. They ensure that we can operate from an authentic space, and that in turn, ensures stronger, more genuine relationships.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

You Know it is Good, Still Can't Set Boundaries?

Many know in principle that they need to set boundaries, but they are just not able to do it. Here are 9 reasons why this happens:

1. You fear that you are being rude
2. You dislike when people say no to you
3. You don't believe it can work
4. You find self-worth in helping others
5. You have no clue where to start
6. You don't think boundaries are possible in some relationships
7. You feel anxious about future action after setting them
8. You rely on external validation
9. You are a people pleaser

Recognising what the underlying reason is can help you start building boundaries by going past them – with a little awareness and support.

Photo by cottonbro studio

Small Steps Matter

You don't need to do it all in one go! Small meaningful steps matter. This is how you can start creating a change:

1. Notice where in your life do you need more healthy boundaries and what is stopping you from setting them
2. You decide a small step in the right direction. Saying a no, find some 'me' time, reaffirming your self-worth, whatever that looks like for you.
3. Consistency is key. Don't set a boundary and then retract. With consistency you reinforce that boundary for others and yourself.
4. You communicate what matters to you, what your boundary is so everyone in your space also understands and can honour it too.
5. Be kind to yourself in the process. It's not about perfection. Small steps taken with self-compassion go a long way rather than self-criticism.
6. Very important – don't apologise for setting these boundaries – this is your self-care, and you should not be sorry for looking after yourself. You are not being selfish. You are ensuring you are looked after so you can be the best version of yourself for yourself and for others too.

When you honour your boundaries, you stop operating from exhaustion and start living from authenticity. You begin to show up in your life – not as a people-pleasing shadow, but as your whole, present, fulfilled self.

Photo by Samsung UK on Unsplash

I support my clients in setting healthy boundaries so they can live a happier, more balanced life. So, if you find this hard to do on your own, connect with me and let's see if we can do this together.

If you found this useful, I share more practical tools and insights in my 'Aloha Ikigai- Reclaim Yourself – Joyful Living' WhatsApp Community.

Main – Photo by Lisha Riabinina