Till The End

Have you ever thought that it's easy to know when something starts, and not so much when it ends? Or if it ever ends.

We all have a different understanding and relationship with time^[1] and there is currently an observable phenomenon in which there seems to be a majority of individuals who live and behave as if the future, the long term, either won't eventuate or doesn't matter. Not that they've all become an embodiment of "the power of now", unfortunately, but more like there is an epidemic of short-sightedness.

Many examples come to mind but let's look at some that are widely different but are, in essence, representative of the same movement.

• The addiction to 'shortcuts' promoted by every industry – where the entire marketing message and offering are built on the idea that, should you buy their products, courses or services, a) you'll 'get there', b) faster, c) and now, thanks to AI, you may not need to do much at all.
• Bio-hacking – disguised as the trendy new healthy habit where you'll micro track every aspect of yourself through expensive smart tech devices that you wear 24 hours a day whilst turning off your wifi at night in the hope that you can defy biology, age, gravity and God knows what else.
• Fast Fashion – Do I need to explain? Looking closer to home, your yoga mat is made of recycled biodegradable material but you're wearing Lululemon gear which is not made from natural fibres and is primarily composed of synthetic (man-made) fibres.
• Ozempic – Costly, with a wide range of documented negative side effects. But who cares when you can lose weight by injecting yourself whilst doing nothing else.
• A spiritual retreat – or better, an 'intensive' so it sounds serious. Though it can be interesting and relevant, do you think you'll be done dealing with your childhood trauma in a week, by hugging people, doing breathing exercises and drinking homemade kombucha?
• Fast food.
• 3D printing.

The delusion is as such: get to … (fill in the goal) … as quickly as possible. Minimum time, minimum effort, minimum cost, or so you hope, and suddenly you feel like you've somehow succeeded or achieved something, won one over life in some kind of way. But have you? And based on whose criteria? And for what?

A more confronting question: what are the values of someone who lives this way? Everyone is full of the idea of 'empowerment'. But what values 'empower' you, truly?

So not only do we have a societal problem of short-termism, on top of it we have 'quitters'. They want their cake and to eat it too, but if they judge that it takes too long to make, or that it's too difficult, they're out and usually not quietly. Their capacity for sustained effort is somewhat damaged and unavailable. And here they are, leaping from one thing to the next, from one relationship to another, from one healing modality to another, constantly pivoting before reaching the finish line. They also happen to be mounted on 'triggers'. When someone confronts them or upsets them, they're gone, invoking the latest thing they read on 'boundaries' and looking after their 'inner child', usually written by someone who has failed at both.

These people talk about modalities and wellbeing like it's their second language but in reality they despise deep work and are nowhere to be seen near a therapist. Because this is what happens when you actually are in therapy:

• You're not chasing SMART goals and your therapist isn't a coach with a contract and a ROI you hold him/her accountable to.
• Your therapist doesn't make promises and doesn't sell you stuff.
• You're going to look at things and go places that are difficult and you're not going to leave every session feeling like Aladdin on his flying carpet having had an hour with his Genii. Note: that doesn't mean the session wasn't important or a good one.
• Unless you truly invest yourself in your own process, it doesn't matter how good your therapist is, you'll make them look like they failed whereas in fact it's on you – you did nothing for yourself except pay for and attend your sessions. If you want to receive, you have to give of yourself and to yourself first.
• It takes time and progress isn't linear. Every person has their own rhythm. It's life work.
• Sometimes your therapy session is the only place you can speak freely and safely about how you're doing and how you're feeling and that's not a small thing.
• You're going to look at your life and your own relationship with life in a new way which might be very different from what it used to be.
• You're going to slow down because it'll become obvious that certain things can't be avoided, can't be dismissed and can't be fast-tracked.
• Your therapist will set the record straight and won't let you hide behind misperceptions, excuses, stories or lies.
• You're going to recentre yourself towards meaning and what gives you a sense of accomplishment vs. chasing the win, the performance and ticking boxes.
• You're going to realise that great leaps take place in the continuity of the work and the long-term aspects of commitment.
• You're going to revisit issues that you thought you were done with.
• You're going to become clearer about what's really important to you and that it's not self-importance.
• You're going to regain energy so that you have enough for the present and extra to direct to the future and others.

So back to the original question. Have you ever thought that it's easy to know when something starts, and not so much when it ends?

It might just simply be that it's because it's not on your terms but on life's terms. Yes you might rightfully decide to end something: a career, a relationship, to move to a different country and so on. But you're not done with any of this until life says so and it's usually at the end of a lengthy series of events seemingly directly or indirectly related. And the point is to verify that you've learned all you needed to learn about whatever 'your lesson' was about. And that is specifically what isn't on your terms. So imagine, if your lesson is 'self-respect'. You can (should) exit the disrespectful relationship, but it won't end there. The class isn't over yet even though you want it to be. And only the teacher, 'Ms. Life', decides when you no longer need to be tested, that your lesson is understood, embedded and integrated – for your highest good. Only then, the end. Celebrations and off to the next lesson.

Many times you'll think you're done with being tested or challenged with something. You'll convince yourself that you've done the work, that you've been at it for a long time. The truth is, you need to get to the bottom of it, to the end of it, for things to truly shift, transform and transmute. And you don't know where that end is or what that is. So all you can do is to show up to what life is asking of you and not back down, even when it feels like it is something you've addressed before. Maybe there is a different way to address it, but there isn't avoiding it if it's what life is asking of you. And this constant showing up and not quitting calls for a quality named: faith. It takes faith. In life. It's not easy. It's worth it.

^[1] A few years ago, I recorded a free healing meditation about this, if you're interested.

Main – Photo by Michael Cheval