January

Exercise: Feel It, Cry & Feel It Again

This is going to be a rough journey, an inspiring one, maybe informative and finally it could be a relief to read.

Chai was my four legged daughter, my soulmate, best friend, partner, and plus one. She had been with me for thirteen years, a constant source of love, comfort, structure, and purpose. She passed unexpectedly from a heart attack, and it shattered my world in ways I could never have imagined. She had been my companion through every part of my life, the one who made my routines meaningful and the one I built my days around. Losing her was not just losing a pet, it was losing a piece of myself, a part of my identity, my reason to get up, the foundation I had unknowingly built my life upon.

I want to say you are not alone. Once you are in the grief club, you are part of a group that has felt things we did not believe possible. Also please know that although grief is universal, everyone's experiences are unique. This is mine and therefore I am merely offering my experiences and what supported me through this journey. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone's timeline is different. But for the next 11 articles, I will share my deepest, darkest moments monthly with the glimmer of light at the end. This is my truth and I am honored that you will take the time to read and feel alongside me.

The 7 stages of grief, you can google them and read about them. They may have applied to me, but not in the simplistic form they are usually described in. I did not want to know them or recognize them. Those stages felt like they were written for other people observing us, trying to explain what they see from the outside.

This first month is the shockwave. Life is changed forever. I immediately changed my phone voicemail, turned emails off, and sent a recorded message to everyone close to me. It took a huge weight off my shoulders, removing the need to repeat the story or justify my silence.

The loss of Chai shattered me in ways I could not comprehend. Even eight weeks in, as I shared in the early stages of my grief, I found myself pretending I was okay when I was not. I would try to function in public and hold myself together, only to come home and collapse into painful, guttural crying. My body needed to release what I could not hold.

I learned early on that this release was essential. Letting it out prevented emotions from storing themselves inside me and becoming physical pain. I gave myself permission to be emotional, angry, overwhelmed, things I had been shamed for as a child. Now I was reclaiming those emotions, allowing them to have space.

Exercise for January:

Sit somewhere comfortable, surrounded by memories. Smell the clothes, the blankets, look at the photos. Let your body do what it needs, wail, sob, howl, breathe, collapse. Remove the pressure to sleep normally. Doom scroll if you need. Watch TV. Fall asleep in the afternoon. Do whatever gets you through these days, as long as it is safe.

This first month is about feeling.

Fully, honestly, unapologetically.