Inviting in Compassion

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Merriam-Webster defines compassion as "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it."[1] Most of us have experience of offering compassion to others – when we see sorrowful scenes, compassion wells up willingly.

And yet…most of us struggle to invoke the same compassion for ourselves.

Let that sink in.

We are better at being conscious and empathetic of someone else's distress and feel motivated to do something to alleviate that pain, than we are at offering that same gift to ourselves.

If we are aware of someone else's pain, we will do something to make them feel better. When we feel pain, we often don't take steps to make ourselves feel better.

The wonderful Jack Kornfield has a beautiful lens on this: "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."[2] This philosophy has guided my approach for many years.

The depth of the compassion we are able to offer others mirrors the depth of compassion we have for ourselves. The more we offer ourselves compassion, the more capacity we have to be present and meet the world with our full being. And let's be honest, why wouldn't we want more compassion in this world of ours?

Photo by Chevanon Photography

Here are 5 ways of inviting in more compassion:

1. Detox and maintain healthy boundaries
2. Becoming aware of negative mindsets
3. Making rest a necessity, not an option
4. Happiness is a state of mind
5. Love is the answer

Photo by khánh vũ

1. Detox & maintain healthy boundaries

Let's contemplate puppy training (bear with me!) – a new puppy needs to learn not to get over-excited and stimulated with new experiences, otherwise it will become the postie chaser! In the same way, our monkey mind gets over-stimulated by the world we live in.

Here's a contemplation:

You watch the news last thing at night, full of the world's disasters and meanness (you read that right), followed by a murder mystery or horror movie, followed by hours of mindless social media scrolling to wind down after the excitement of the horrors that have penetrated your mind through your valuable eyeballs. Sleep does not come easily, introducing you to its counterpart insomnia. Sleep-deprived, you stumble into work powered by caffeine and find yourself in a struggle with that co-worker who drives you nuts and ruins your day. Grumpily, you head home after a swift one in the bar and scroll mindlessly on your phone on the way home, and you start the whole cycle all over again. At some point, you might even have a real world interaction with your partner and have a conversation with them where you actually make eye contact and resist the urge to check your phones!

Photo by cottonbro studio

Does any of this sound familiar? The modern world encourages us to train our monkey minds to be over-stimulated, over-excitable, wired, and unable to switch off. It leaves us feeling cranky and depleted. Like an overly friendly puppy, our minds remain in over-drive. We have trained our minds to continually seek out that next hit of dopamine or adrenaline. We have become chemical junkies addicted to our screens. If you don't believe me, see if you can stay away from a screen for a day, and get back to me. A study from 2016 suggested that on average, most people touch their phones 2,600 times daily, whilst heavy users (those of you reading this article on your phones!), exceed 5,400 times a day. 87% of people checked their phones at least once between midnight and 5am, proving that you are not alone with your insomnia and that you literally go to bed with your phones![3]

Believe it or not, the remedy is to surrender, or to detox from what no longer serves. Ask yourself what boundary you need to put in place to maintain your peace and regain control over your monkey mind and mindless habits. Consciously manage your mental mindset and daily habits to continually maintain healthy boundaries and reclaim control of your peace!

2. Becoming aware of negative mindsets

The opposite of compassion is the pursuit of perfection. Our relentless inner perfectionist channels endless self-judgement and self-criticism, a destructive loop that drives us endlessly into constantly needing to do more, and better…

Instead of indulging this inner critic, notice how frequently it shows up. Befriend it by giving it a name. Seriously! I call mine Busy Lizzy – she's seriously annoying. When you notice your critic showing up, try and explore the opposite. When Busy Lizzy tells me at midnight that I need to send that email I forgot, I notice the anxiety that powers her. That noticing gives me enough of a reality gap that I can choose a different response, instead of my automatic reaction to do what she tells me. I can choose to ignore her, write or record a note for the next day, or laugh at her. That way, I'm not sat in front of my screen at 12:30am trying to work out how to send delayed emails so that I don't look like a crazed insomniac work addict…

Photo by Marcus Aurelius

3. Making rest a necessity, not an option

Apparently, if you wake up tired, you're probably not getting enough sleep. The average adult needs approximately 7 to 9 hours a day.[4] 68% of Brits don't achieve 7 hours a night.[5] Globally, 85% of sleepers don't manage the recommended amount of sleep at least 5 nights a week.[6]

Sleeping less than 6 hours a night on average is associated with increased mortality and health conditions including high blood pressure, obesity and heart issues. Glucose metabolism, a key contributor to diabetes, and cortisol levels are also adversely affected, with resulting neurobehavioural deficits.[7] Not getting enough sleep can increase your risk of death, physiological and mental deficits, and is generally not recommended for good health.

Sleep hygiene and good sleep habits are healthy habits. Modern life can make this challenging unless we make a deliberate choice to prioritise sleep. Just imagine the investment you're making in your future self with that extra hour of sleep. Your future self will thank you!

Photo by thirugraphy .11

4. Happiness is a state of mind

If you find yourself feeling grumpy, here's a trick. Fake a smile. When we fake a smile, the brain gets a signal to boost dopamine and serotonin, making you feel temporarily better![8]

Why does this matter? Happy people are healthier people! Happier people have lower levels of cortisol, better immune systems and increased longevity. Whilst genetics contribute to approximately 50% of your disposition, the rest is up to us.[9]

So, go do something every day to make yourself happy. Go get that coffee or lunch with a friend to stay connected, if you need to do a task, do it with a friend to catch up. Give yourself permission to do all the things…get a massage, eat that ice cream, or maybe even the steak and chips! Even better, have a walk and talk meeting in nature – multi-task! Who said that all meetings have to be physically sat down in the office?

Photo by Hassan OUAJBIR

5. Love is the answer

Compassion is simply another word for love. Offer yourself the same love you would offer your nearest and dearest. Be kind.

Be kind to you, and allow yourself to embrace love, compassion and offer yourself compassion to feel fully complete.

References

I wish you joy in your explorations.

[1] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/compassion

[2] Buddha's Little Instruction Book

[3] https://pages.dscout.com/hubfs/downloads/

dscout_mobile_touches_study_2016.pdf

[4] https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/insomnia/

[5] https://www.benenden.co.uk/newsroom/sleep-research-finds-brits-get-just-six-hours-a-night/

[6]https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S235272182300253X#:

~:text=Evidence%2Dbased%20guidelines%20recommend%20that,the%

20recommended%20sleep%20duration%20range.

[7]https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S235272182300253X#:~:text

=Evidence%2Dbased%20guidelines%20recommend%20that,the%20recommended%20sleep%20duration%20range.

[8] https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/07/01/735822187/the-science-of-smiles-real-and-fake

[9] https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2005/apr/happy-and-healthy-more-moments-happiness-you-experience-life-healthier-youll-be#:~:text=What%20this%20study%20shows%20is,and%20the%20British%20Heart%20Foundation.

Main – Photo by Anna Shvets