July

Exercise: Take the next step. What brings you peace or joy? Do that.

By Month 7, I was heading into the later stages of grief. The grief had evolved, not softened, but transformed.

The story of the injured squirrel shattered me open. Caring for her, stroking her gently, watching her choose life and climb into the carrier triggered the memory of leaving Chai in her oxygen chamber. I vowed never again to leave an animal alone. The squirrel reminded me of Chai in ways I was not prepared for.

Sixteen weeks in felt inconceivable. I still slept with her ashes on my chest every night. Her bowls were still full. Her lists still on the whiteboard. I carried her ashes in different bags just like when she was here.

I felt different, sad, alone, and yet somehow standing at the edge of a new beginning I did not ask for. My routines had disappeared. My identity felt fractured. But there was a faint awareness that I might be rebuilding, piece by slow piece.

Exercise for July:

Sit quietly and think about what used to bring you joy. It might hurt to remember. It might make you cry. That is okay. Write down what once made you smile, even if it feels unreachable now. 

This is the first step toward discovering what may bring peace again.